What Not to Do in a Kitchen
by Nikki Chime
Summary: Teacherstuck AU. "You forgot again, didn't you?" "Forgot what? What, is today national ruin coffee so perfectly reasonable people can't have any before they go to work with hyperactive-oh."


A/n: In case of confusion, specific jobs will be listed at the bottom. Characters not featured in this fic will be listed on my bio. Enjoy!

000

"I hate my job," 28 year old Karkat Vantas grumbled as he slumped into the kitchen he shared with his roommates and occasional friends. His dark hair stuck up in every which way as he poured himself a cup of coffee-

-which he promptly spit out in horror at the sickly sweet taste of FAR TOO MUCH SUGAR HOW WAS THIS HIS LIFE COULD NOBODY EVEN MAKE DECENT COFFEE WITHOUT DUMPING IN 413 MILLION POUNDS OF SUGAR DID HE HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING HIMSELF WERE HIS ROOMMATES REALLY THAT STUPID?

Turning around with the intent to rouse aforementioned roommates and continue the rant that he wasn't sure was taking place entirely in his head, Karkat finally noticed what he had failed to perceive previously: the smirking silhouette of Dave Strider leaning in the kitchen doorway, arms crossed in his trademark smug pose.

Before Karkat could enter _his_ trademark pose, which involved significantly more angry screaming, a short woman with red sunglasses and a sharp grin appeared from behind Dave and said, "You forgot again, didn't you?"

"Forgot what? What, is today national _ruin coffee so perfectly reasonable people can't have any before they go to work with hyperactive-_oh."

"Told you," muttered Dave, holding out a hand in which the woman grudgingly placed a five dollar bill. "He always forgets. At least this year is was only sugar-coffee. Remember last year, Terezi? We didn't see Gamzee for a week." At his words Karkat performed a perfect facepalm 2x combo and began grumbling about lawn gnomes and confetti as he rinsed out the coffee pot and began another.

"Didn't he end up nearly moving in with Tavros?" she replied with a grin, enjoying Karkat's angry rambling. It was commonly held between the three roommates that did not require anger management classesthat a morning without one of Karkat's wrathful monologues was sorely lacking. In fact, after one particularly angry ramble, Terezi had retreated to her room and returned with a messy, colorful painting that she claimed represented the apocalypse and titled it "Karkat's Silence." It held a place of honor in the hallway.

"I don't understand why he does this. He's an idiot, and immature, and obnoxious, and he's not funny at AAAAUGHHHHHHHHH!" Karkat stared at the ceiling like it had personally betrayed him. Misplaced rage aside, in reality he had slipped on a small puddle of olive oil strategically placed there by one John Egbert.

Dave, of course, managed to avoid the danger zone upon finally entering the kitchen and going to the fridge. He stuck his hand in and pulled out a bottle of apple juice, carefully checking to see that it was, indeed, sealed. Good. If it hadn't been, he would have had to kick John's ass, and then Jade would give him puppy dog eyes and make him feel bad. And possibly John too. He didn't know if he could handle both half-siblings' puppy eyes at the same time, they were deadly enough on their own.

Unfortunately for Dave, the apple juice distracted him from the ketchup bottle that at that moment squirted a large dollop of red onto his shirt.

Silence reigned in the kitchen.

It's reign was then violently overthrown by Terezi's onslaught of laughter. Not even the twin glares of Dave and Karkat could make the incredulous guffaws cease. It didn't help that at that moment a single white index card fluttered down onto Karkat's forehead, giant sparkly blue smiley face on the side facing up.

Slowly Karkat sat up and flipped it over, reading the message he found aloud. "'Dear friends, happy first day of school. I can't wait! I hope all of you are teaching great kids this year! Good luck! Love, John. P.S Jade says hi! P.P.S She also wants to know if Karkat forgot again. Apparently she has a bet with Dirk? I dunno. P.P.P.S I AM THE PRANKING MASTER!' He actually put eight fucking exclamation points, what is his fucking deal?"

"God damn it, he's doing the Vriska thing. I thought he was done with that psycho," said Dave, his words met with a surprisingly accurate slap from Terezi to the back of his head.

"What did I say about bitching about Vriska?"

"Nothing that I'll actually listen to."

"DAVE!"

"Jegus Terezi, she's your weirdo stepsister, not mine. I have enough maniacsin my family."

"She's not that bad. Maybe if you actually tried to get to know her-"

"Fuck no."

"Bluh, fine. Be stubborn, Mr. Cool Kid. But in my presence you will be nice to her."

"You can't tell me what to do."

"Oh yes I-"

"ARGH!" Karkat's shouts of rage cut into the bickeringtaking place between his roommates. Karkat had been scanning the letter while Dave and Terezi and fought and had finally noticed something that eclipsed even his rage over the coffee prank. "That fucking moron! 'DUNNO' ISN'T A FUCKING WORD! Gog why are we friends with someone so stupid, I can't even comprehend the amount of stupidity that it crammed into Egbert's body."

"Karkat, you're a kindergarten teacher, shouldn't you leave the english grammar shit to your freaky twin?" said Dave with a snort. Terezi's high pitched giggles joined in, their argument, forgotten.

"HE'S NOT MY FUCKING TWIN WE AREN'T EVEN FUCKING RELATED! JUST BECAUSE THAT ASSHOLE HAS THE SAME LAST NAME AS ME DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE-"

"Boys, we're going to be late," Terezi said as she walked over to the door, smirking as said boys scrambled (though they would never admit it) to get ready. She had already packed her bag the night before, of course, but Dave and Karkat didn't have nearly as much forethought. To be fair, they didn't need too much. After all, Dave's instruments and song books as well as Karkat's paper and crayons were already at the school.

She didn't count on the bucket of water waiting for a hapless passerby to open the door.

Truly, John Egbert was the pranking master. Unfortunately for him, Terezi Pyrope was a master of revenge.

000

A/n: Karkat is a kindergarten teacher, Dave is a k-8 music teacher, and Terezi is a 9-12 art teacher. They all work at Skaia academy.

Alternate titles: Honey I Pranked the Kids, John Was Here, 413 Pounds of Sugar, I Hate My Friends, New Years Traditions, This Used to Have a Title But John Pranked It.

Stay tuned for more Teacherstuck! There WILL actually be more (otherwise the job masterlist would be kind of irrelevant and a waste of serious effort). Beta'd by Pamela, who is Fabulous but doesn't have a account.


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